Egoista! Ti senti in colpa? Sbagliato!

senso di colpaI sensi di colpa, guai che accompagnano l’uomo dalla sua nascita. Gabbie limitanti in cui ci rinchiudiamo e che ci fanno stipare le ali nello zainetto. Cerchiamo di capire da dove nascono, cosa hanno a che fare con l’egoismo e perché – nei casi che vedremo – essi sono solo problemi che creiamo nella nostra mente e che non hanno diritto di esistere e di farci star male.

Prima di tutto una definizione, ne rubo una da Wikipedia:

“In psicologia i sensi di colpa sono un sentimento umano che, collegato alla colpa, intesa come il risultato di un’azione o di un’omissione che identifica chi è colpevole, reale o presunto, di trasgressioni a regole morali, religiose o giuridiche, si manifestano a chi li prova come una riprovazione verso se stessi.”

Come leggiamo quassù i sensi di colpa derivano da una nostra azione, un comportamento… sia esso attivo (quando facciamo qualcosa) o omissivo (quando omettiamo di fare qualcosa).

Facciamo degli esempi:

Sensi di colpa dovuti ad un comportamento attivo: sono a casa e sto leggendo un buon libro, dovrei uscire in quanto un mio amico mi aveva chiesto di vederlo. Mi deve parlare di un suo problema. Lo chiamo e gli dico che non mi va di vederlo perché mi sto rilassando leggendo un libro. Poco dopo non riesco più a leggere a causa dei sensi di colpa.

Sensi di colpa dovuti ad una omissione: vedo per strada una ragazza con una ruota dell’auto bucata. Sembra impacciata, potrei darle una mano, ma ho appuntamento dal dentista e sto facendo tardi, vado di fretta! Tiro dritto con la macchina e dopo 100 metri un nodo alla gola porta a galla i miei sensi di colpa.

Dove nascono i nostri comportamenti?

Abbiamo quindi capito che i sensi di colpa derivano da nostre azioni o comportamenti che in qualche modo ci fanno sentire male. Ma prima di capire perché mettiamo in essere queste azioni, chiediamoci da dove nascono tutte le azioni umane.

Ogni azione umana nasce principalmente per due ragioni, o meglio con due obiettivi:

  1. Raggiungere il piacere
  2. Fuggire dal dolore

Se ci pensate bene, qualunque cosa voi facciate, la fate sempre e solo per queste due ragioni. Potete pensare a qualunque cosa, perfino la carità non è altro che compiacere se stessi compiacendo gli altri. Pensateci bene, è normalissimo e non va vista come una cosa negativa. Aiutare qualcuno ci provoca piacere. Non voglio dire ovviamente che fare la carità sia sbagliato, è un comportamento encomiabile, ma anche fare la carità è una forma di egoismo, volta prima di tutto a compiacere se stessi e solo dopo gli altri. Potremmo addirittura affermare che chi la riceve sta facendo un favore a chi la fa… dandogli modo di compiacersi aiutandolo. Grazie a questo, molte persone sfortunate ricevono degli aiuti… e questo è un grande bene!

E l’egoismo?

Partiamo dall’etimologia della parola:

Abbiamo visto che ogni azione è volta a raggiungere il piacere (per noi) e/o a fuggire da un dolore.

Detta così potrebbe sembrare (ed è così) che tutti gli esseri umani sono egoisti, perché agiscono prima di tutto per se stessi e poi per gli altri. E’ per questa ragione, per questa forma di umano e sano egoismo che spesso nascono i sensi di colpa.

De Mello in uno dei suoi libri (Messaggio per un’aquila che si crede un pollo) spiega che le forme di egoismo sono principalmente 3:

  1. quando faccio qualcosa, o meglio, quando mi concedo il piacere di compiacere me stesso;
  2. quando mi concedo il piacere di compiacere altri;
  3. quando si fa qualcosa di buono per non sentirsi in colpa.

Il fulcro della bilancia è la contentezza propria verso quella degli altri. In altre parole mi sento in colpa quando il mio egoismo provoca un calo della contentezza altrui verso la mia.

Parlo di contentezza e non di felicità perché mentre “essere contenti” vuol dire essere appagati e soddisfatti, felice deriva da felix ed indica l’essere fecondo, qualcosa che qui non ci tocca e che è molto più personale, meno correlata al prossimo ed al nostro rapporto con lui. Ha a che fare con la curiosità, la creatività e le proprie potenzialità espressive!

Cerchiamo di riassumere:

In quanto essere umano ogni mio comportamento è votato a fuggire da un dolore e/o raggiungere un piacere. Questo ci rende tutti un po’ egoisti. Anche quando sembra che i nostri siano comportamenti altruistici, in realtà, sono votati al nostro bene (prima di tutto).

Questa condizione ci genera spesso sensi di colpa, perché?

Il senso di colpa è generato da due questioni:

  1. Il fatto che caratterizziamo i nostri comportamenti come egoistici, ed in effetti così è!
  2. Il fatto che in qualche caso percepiamo che tali comportamenti riducono le contentezza degli altri, ampliando o lasciando intatta la nostra.

Perché? Non mi stancherò mai di ripeterlo 🙂 Perché il nostro fine ultimo è scappare dal dolore e/o raggiungere il piacere.

Ma ora vengo al dunque!

A volte raggiungere il piacere o scappare dal dolore comporta il rendere meno contento qualcun altro. Se non scendiamo a compromessi veniamo identificati come degli egoisti. La questione però è anche questa: se scendere a compromessi vuol dire essere meno contenti, migliorando un qualcosa per qualcun altro, non trovate che, in questo caso, sarebbero gli altri ad essere egoisti? E questi egoisti si sentirebbero in colpa?

Tutto quanto riduce la vostra contentezza a favore di quella di qualcun altro non è quel che fa per voi, non sentitevi in colpa quindi perché dall’altra parte chi guadagna contentezza dalla vostra dovrebbe sentirsi in colpa allo stesso modo.

Ovviamente qui non voglio venire a dirvi di comportarvi in modo cattivo quando non serve, anzi, io non voglio proprio dirvi di comportarvi in modo negativo… per fortuna esiste una forma di egoismo che causa il bene del prossimo e questa è una grande cosa!

Il problema è quando le decisioni che mettono sulla bilancia la nostra contentezza più che quella degli altri ci rendono infelici. A meno di causare problemi ad altri… e quindi applicando sempre le regole del buon senso, sappiate che tutti gli esseri umani sono egoisti e quindi non è giusto che siate voi a portare il fardello dei sensi di colpa che nascono da questi strani marchingegni intellettivi dell’essere umano.

sensi di colpa

 

 

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